I'm a lady, I do lady's things

I just took a sex identity test her http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sex/ The idea is you answer a series of questions and carry out a series of puzzles in order to establish if you posses a male brain or a female brain. I, it turns out, have a female brain. I can accept that, but the worrying part is that I have a 100 per cent female brain, when your average woman only has a 75% female brain, and most men have a 75% male brain. Now listen here, I do not have a propensity to tidy up incessantly , talk about curtains (or do I?), and constantly whinge about my weight. I do actually appreciate a good looking building from time to time, and have been known to watch an entire football match voluntarily. So there!

Duck a Fuck

It seems that our local female duck visitor is not a willing party in this whole relationship/fuck buddy situation. In fact it seems it is a victim of gang rape. Today I observed two, horny, ducks chasing the female duck around our garden. Eventually they cleverly (and they are clever) cornered her. One hopped on the back, and the other one proceeded to try and 'bang' her head. I was too shocked to get my camera out on this occassion. So now I am very concerned for the mother duck. What kind of trauma do ducks feel? Should I be giving her the number of my counselor friend, who also has the added sensitivity of being a wildlife lover? Perhaps she just wants to be left alone. I don't know what to do.

Fuck A Duck

I caught our ducks screwing today, in our pond. I think I must have embarassed them because when I went out to film them, being the duck voyeur that I am, they got out of the pond and waddled away. Only waddled though, I would have thought that by now they would have associated seeing me with the swift following of a flying slipper, but it seems they aren't that clever yet. Or maybe they are cleverer than I thought and they can associate three things -me - flying slipper - darkness. Who knows how clever they are? Really, who?

I haven't posted much lately because I've been busy trying to write my dissertation for my degree. Have I mentioned that here yet? I'm doing a BA with honours (woop woop at honours - whatever it means) in Consumer Studies at Liverpool John Moores University. What's consumer studies I hear you all ask, some of you maybe even mockingly. I have great difficulty answering this question, but I don't really care to justify it to you. I chose this degree because it's a topic I knew I'd enjoy, that is understanding how, and what motivates people to 'consume.' And I was right. I once went down the line of doing a degree which is respectable, and at a 'proper' uni, but I hated it in both respects. I dropped out of Civil Engineering at the University of Glasgow. Red brick Universities focus generally on research, and not teaching, and I hated the subject, so generally I wan't happy there. I learnt from my mistake. So I'm happy doing what I'm doing, although currently stressed. Anyway, I'm only 387 words in, and I've done an interview. The woman I interviewed wants to try to censor me, because she thinks what I'm writing is too political. I won't go into the where's and what for's of my dissertation, but I'm not going to let anyone censor and have me compromise on my final grading. If she didn't want it printing she shouldn't have said what she said. It was the first time I ever interviewed anyone, and I think I was good actually, managed to dig deeply, and get her to say stuff she's gone on to regret. I guess I learnt my skills of interrogation as a car salesman, turning info customers gave me against them. Or maybe it's just years of being nosey.

Valentines day has been and gone. I got no cards, and I didn't expect to. I haven't really put myself out there enough to get much interest. Although I do seemingly have a secret admirer, which is a little exciting. This manifested itself, when I recieved an e-card a few days before valentines day not sure it holds any link to Valentines day. I'm still trying to interpret the message though, and now I'm starting to think I'm looking into it all too deep. I was going to delete that cos I look like a nob, but I'm trying to have this policy of not deleting anything I type as they are just my thoughts, and that's what I want to put here, I only go back to correct typos. I guess this is why I write such shit. If my blog was a TV programme I think that it would have been dropped about 3 messages in. The first couple of shows were okay, it was fresh and still hyped up, but now it's got stale quickly and is just garbage. Nevermind, I'm gonna keep on producing. Anyway, I don't really like valentines day. I don't think gay men can really celebrate it the same as straight people. That might just be my fear of prejudice. I once screwed up on valentines day with an ex. I was living in Glasgow, and he was in Liverpool and I never sent him a card. He never let me forget that, well that could have been my take on things, but it actually really hurt him, and in fact it made things a bit rocky. I wasn't very good to him to be honest, I let him down in lots of ways, and eventually it bit me in the arse. When his Grandmother died I never came home from Glasgow to help him through the grieving process, at a time I knew he needed me most, and I also failed to keep a promise of going with him to his sisters wedding, all because of my obsession with work (I was selling cars for a year in Glasgow). Anyway in the latter case he met someone else at the wedding. I was in the process of moving back to Liverpool with the intention of getting a flat with him, and after I moved back he let me in on the bad news. He had met a girl! I had been with him for a couple of years, and we were each others first real partners. I did the right thing and I told him he had to do what was right for him. It destroyed me, and sent me a bit loopy. I wasn't out at the time, and felt I couldn't talk to anyone about it, but I knew I had done the right thing. He's since gone on to marry the girl, and so I did do the right thing. As long as he did. Me and my ex never really spoke again after all that. In fact he just dissapeared pretty much. He gave up all his friends as they were our friends (we'd known each other since school). I didn't ask him to do that, so I guess he was having a tough time too. Or maybe he just moved on. No one really knows except him. I'd love to see how he's getting on though, and hope he is well. Incidentally I saw his wife this morning on the train. She looked quiet uncomfortable, although we didn't speak (pretended we didn't know each other - I only met her twice anyway) but it made me wonder if he ever told her. So what did I learn from my relationship? I learnt what love is, and that it's amazing and awful, and I learnt that relationships are never going to be easy, and recquire lots of hard work if you are both going to be happy. It also made me realise that anyone can find someone special, no matter what the circumstance, which is why I don't feel under any pressure to find someone despite the fact I'm ageing (not that I feel old). I'm only 25 for fucks sake, but I know of some people who are just jumping into relationships because they are scared of their age. That's not for me.

I got my exam results this week for my work from last semester. I'm 1% away from a 2:1, so I'll pull it back no problem, I'm sure. I'm enjoying my modules this year, and just need to get on with my dissertation. And more uni news, I got my work based learning placement where I wanted. It looks like i'm going to be working at the charity Sahir House for 5 weeks www.sahir.uk.com It's a charity helping people living with AIDS. I chose this for a number of reasons. One, I need to try something completely different before I commit my life to some sort of retail, just to see what I might be missing. And two because it's a charity that interests me, and I support. My first experience of Sahir house was on the last world aids day, and Liverpool's Catholic Cathedral held an AIDS vigil. I went because I was studying round the corner, and needed a break, and I wanted to see what was going on. It was amazing, and there was a host of speakers telling their stories. One that will stand with me forever was from a girl who was associated with Sahir House. She was young, pretty, healthy looking and beutiful. She stood very bravely in front of the huge audience and the first thing she said was "Hi, I'm Laura, and I'm 23. I contracted AIDS 5 years ago on my first sexual experience." Shortly after she broke down in tears, and it really really touched me. As she spoke it became so clear that she was a beutiful person. Caring, honest and never hurt a soul. This world is fucked up...where's the justice?!?

Eat my brands

I've fallen out with one of my favourite brands today. I always try to be an ethical consumer. It's very difficult, because so many major corporations are being naughty all the time, and it's difficult to keep track. I, however, believe that ignorance is not innocence, and we should try to make an effort to ensure we shop ethically, and don't support bad companies and their greediness. There are lots of companies I boycott. I don't enforce my boycotts on other people, we can all make our choices, but I will explain them. If you've followed my log you'll be well aware that I boycott Candarel and Nutrasweet because they produce Asparatame (I got the spelling right this time). This is a chemical used to replace sugar. The problem with it is when it get's above just 30 degress celsius, the heat acts as a catalyst and it becomes formaldehyde, and formaldehyde is highly poisonous even in small amounts. Aspartame is also used in most fizzy pop diet drinks such as diet Coke, whom I also try to boycott. These such companies originally wrote a report describing the dangers of Aspartame before it was approved in America by their food standards agency (FDA). However that all went out of the window once they realised the marketing benefits of having a sweet drink without sugar. Interestingly, Aspartame isn't even an efficient diet product, because whilst the diet drink, say, may have less fat in it, Aspartame creates a thirst for carbohydrates. In their defence the FDA will claim that Aspartame is the most thouroughly tested product ever approved, and that no other product was tested over such a long period. My question is why did they feel the need to test it so thoroughly and for so long? In fact for 16 years they denied approval because of health fears. Furthermore it was approved quiet hurridly after Donald Rumsfeld (currenly leader of the good people at Bush's defense ministry) became CEO of Aspartame producer G D Searle and co. and Ronald Reagon became the President of America. Maybe that's just me being a cynic?
So who else do I hate? Stagecoach after their arrogant CEO donated over half a million pounds to create propaganda to prevent the repeal of section 28, which made it impossible for teachers to acknowledge the existance of homosexuality in schools. Thus allowing thousands of kids to suffer homophobic taunts and bullying every day. And for the CEO, Brian Souter, it was all in the name of religion. Cheers. He was so arrogant he once sacked so many of his train drivers to save money, they didn't have enough left to run the company....dick head! I hate GAP and Nike for, amongst others, producing their clothes in sweatshops, where the staff have to work 70 hours a week, over-time is enforced and staff are fined if they don't work the over-time, and women are fined if they become pregnant, pay is around 6 american cents an hour, and the factories are so dangerous, in the case of Nike, people have burnt to death because they haven't had fire exits. Are the savings passed onto us? Even Wal-Mart isn't all that nice.
So who's my new enemy? Sadly, it's Heineken. I've been thinking about weather or not I'm being a bit harsh, but I think I'm doing the right thing to abandon my love for the product. Did you ever hear of an ITV television programme, Hotel Babylon? It was a programme which was sponsored by Heineken. Well, the story is a memo was leaked which had been written by a Heineken executive to the Hotel Babylon production team. It had stated that the programme hadn't been Heineken-ized enough, and that it didn't approve of the male contestants drinking non macho drinks such as wine. Okay, now that aint all that bad, but it's part of why so many people are starting to hate global corporations, because they invade our lives, and influence our media; how can The Independant Newspaper report the wrong doings of Nestlé when Nestlé are a major sponsor and advertiser? Most inflammatory of all was the executive went on to say that the audience in Hotel Babylon had "too high a proportion of negroes." This is where I had to draw the line, because what does that do to help erode racism? This offended me. Now, Heineken try to deffend themselves by saying they are not responsible for the actions of one member of staff. Perhaps, but I recently heard a story which made me think a little about an individuals accountability in a work place, here it is.
An employee of NCP (the UK's biggest car parking company) was recently found guilty of forging a document to find a driver guilty of parking. She had doctored a photograph of a vehicle, and superimposed a sign, so it appeared to hang on the wall beside the vehicle, which stated that parking wasn't permitted where the vehicle was. The sign was on the wall, but only after the vehicle had long since left. The driver, for some odd reason also had photographic evidence which proved that there in fact was no sign at the time of the 'offence.' So the question is, is this the actions of a viscious vindictive traffic warden, or did whis occur because of the culture and social pressure applied by NCP? Who's the guilty party?
I feel Heineken should have created a culture where racism was a clear no - no and that anyone being racist was well aware that it wouldn't go unpunished. I also discovered that Heineken had once helped support the country formally known as Burma, when it was well known for being a repressive regime.

BOOK FOR SALE:- Extremes, Contradictions in contemporary Japan. G M Thomas. very good condition. All proceeds go to Barnardos.

Duck

That was all a bit glum wasn't it? I feel a lot better now that I've sobered up, and had a sleep. I was just being a big drama queen last night. I am gutted, but things aren't all that bad. I just need to think about doing something else now. It was just all a bit sudden for me, I hadn't expected to recieve a letter of rejection, they had said if you haven't progressed to the next stage they just wouldn't be in touch. So when I saw the letter, I figured it was giving me an interview date, and then I was gutted when I realised why they had sent it. They don't tell me why, but I guess that's not too important.
As for my friends, well I have loads of really good and close frinds, and I love them all. It's just that some good old friends have drifted, we seem to be wanting different things. They are all settling down and getting hitched and paying mortgages, and I'm still partying.

We've got thes ducks that visit out pond every now and then. I want to kill them. If one is there, and it's partner isnt'y it will quack and quack and quack all night, normally about 4 in the morning. I'm going to kill them. I have been known to chase them round the garden in my boxers throwing my slippers at them. They just don't get the message that they are unwelcome outside my bedroom window. Will rat poison help? Someone suggested a mouse trap to break it's beak. Sounds fair to me.

Quack quack, fuck off duck!

I'm not very happy right now. I just got in from a reasonable night, I haven't been home for a couple of days. I opened my post, and I have a letter regarding my application to teach English in Japan. I'm not going. They have refused my application. My Mum was up when I got in, and I said hello, and was going to go to bed, but my Mum is psychic and the first thing she said was 'what's the matter?' I burst into tears. I'm really upset. I feel completely lost. I spent ages talking to my Mum about what's going on in my life. She's a great listener but I don't talk enough. Talking to a good listener brings problems out you didn't even know about. I'm fed up right now, I'm lost and lonely. I've lost direction, which is huge deal to me. I've always had direction and goals, I've always been getting what I wanted, and now I'm not. My Mum tonight probed further. And I revealed some things that were new to me. It's not just careers and degrees that are getting to me, but things on a social level too. I'm very very lucky, I have lots and lots of friends, I'll never loose sight of how important that is to me. Right now I'm struggling to make them all fit into my life. I don't mean I don't have time to see one friend or the other, it's just that they aren't integrating with me. Or I'm not integrating with them. I don't know. Maybe I'm just feeling the need for a special friend. I think I just want to cry right now.