I love coconuts

I've decided I'm going to use this space to review books I have read, when I have finished them. I'm crap at remembering book titles, and their plots when I come back to looking at them. I sometimes go to my book shelf and look at books and can't remember whether or not I have read them at all, so this may help to serve my memory.
I am reading Vernon God Little right now, which is excellent. It won the man booker award in 2003 and that seems to be a good sign for books I like. The winner of that award previously was The Life of Pi and that too was a cracker. So I'll review Vernon when I finish it. Aren't you excited?
Todays book review is of Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. I bought this in a charity shop like with most of my books. I had it for a while and leant it to my friend for her to read. This friend was my study buddy when we were doing our dissertations, and we have a great relationship, comfortable silences are cool. In fact she read this book on our bus journeys home, whilst I listened to my personal stereo. Might sound like an odd friendship, but it's nice. What drove me to actually start reading it was this time when we were travelling home on the bus and I looked at her and she was crying her eyes out, bucket loads of tears were pouring. She was on the second to last page, and I thought that this must be one bloody good book if it can drive people to that. So I immediatly started to read it. Mostly I thought it was shit, but kept reading because I wanted to find out what was so great at the second to last page. The question on your lips might now be...will he give away the punch line to the book? Is he going to spoil it? Well it's impossible because there is no punch line. I haven't got a fucking clue what she was crying at, but I'm sure it can't have been the book, cos it's fucken shite. It's all about this girl who dies at the very beginning, and then watches her family and friends from heaven, and tells us what's going on. What a load of sentimental bullshit. It's like reading about the boring parts of big brother. 'Dad made a cup of tea' 'Mum went for a walk with Grandmother.' Well woopety doopety doo! Conclusion: One star - a book for gurls!

Speaking of girls I've decided to write a bit about my experiences with them. I've neglected the bibliography aspect of this blog a bit, so I thought I should put some in today. This is probably going to be the sexiest bit of my blog so far, so get excited people. Yes I'm talking 'pre acknowledging I'm a homo, attempts to do girls here.' I'm going to change the names to protect the innocent. When I was at school I went out with a girl called Gurtrude. She was and is lovely, although I haven't seen her for a very long time, but we exchanged text messages at some point this year. Six months we went out with each other, and I never got so much as outside tit. And, maybe secretly that was fine, oddly it seemed to suit her too; she never asked me to tickle her jubblies. She then went to University, and I went to see her, and we planned for me to stay over with her in her halls of residence. I figured this might be a good time to ask if she wanted me to bong her. So it's night time, we are in bed together, and I pop the question 'Do you want to do it?' I'm such a romantic. She stretches her arms out and says 'No I'm too tired.' Fair enough. But then, a whole 45 seconds later she jumps out of the bed looking about as tired as a Hyena on speed, and asks me if I want a cup of tea, cos she fancies one. Tired! Tired? Too tired my arse!She must be one of those fooken lesbanoms!
There was another girl too, at University. Her name was Pocohontas. I came off cool on this occassion. I tried to take her bra off over her head - never a winner boys. I went to lick her mooey, and rather than getting engrossed in the experience I camply shout up to her 'Ooh you smell nice. Is that coconut?' And then when it comes to the final you know what, I proclaim 'Oh no, I'm too drunk' and leave the room. I must tell you now that I had just spent all day with this girl and had drunk one pint of lager about 3 hours previous to this 'experience.' I'm sure I left her in a dizzy state of excitement. Pocohontas was the last girl I got involved with, I kind of figured myself out at that point. T'da.